Yesterday, Today and Forever

Bracing myself as I stare down the barrel of the year 2020 and my life is flashing before me.  I see the gifts of the present and the promise of eternity.  I won't make-believe that my past hasn't shaped me.  I would be a fool to sink or swim without acknowledging the tides, waves and rippling.  Ignorant bliss is fleeting.  If no one else gets it and if another soul never comprehends the fullness of it, I at least have to be at peace with it.

In my teenage years there was a slow but steady awakening and awareness of my power and my weaknesses. They propelled me through more than two decades of living, learning, winning, losing, loathing, loving and holding on for dear life; with my closest family and friends, my worst enemies, a therapist, countless phone calls and fervent prayers.  Unearthing the truth can be reinforcing, painful, redeeming, life-changing and fruit-bearing.  These pursuits have covered me in miraculous love, blessed me with a measure of understanding, a helping of acceptance and a journey into forgiveness.

I have no need for closure because this is a journey and it's going somewhere.  I stay the course for accountability in the spirit of clarity, through a lens that offers wisdom when I dare to keep looking.  I am certain there will always be visible scarring, yet the wounds are healed and healing.

There's something awe inspiring to look back with supernatural 20/20 and recall the tragedies, silver linings, lessons, pitfalls, failures, and successes from the vantage point of survival and maturity.  The darkest valleys shed the most light on the Good News.  I see the footprints of God there.  I press ahead because I'm promised a future.  He was always with me and He led me here, preparing me for another testimony.  On to the next chapter of my never-ending story.

Inspiration:  Jeremiah 29:11

Gratitude with Attitude

Authentic gratitude and worship sustain me each day.
Yet I still have this attitude that can shade just about anything.
Not a pessimist because I'm too hopeful and I love a redemption story.
Call me a realist because "it is what it is" makes sense to me without explaining.
Never saw necessity in closure since it can't bring what it is to a new unveiling.
I am grateful for the truth; in its telling I can respect the messenger.
Discerning of deception and abrasive to its storytellers.
Truth puts the past behind us while lies sprout roots intertwining forever.
What I know of the dark is the stark difference between it and the light.
Without warfare I may not appreciate the morning that follows the dark night.
I have made good use of the hurt, tears and heartache.
If it were any other way I may not look so expectantly to His grace today.
I welcome life's betrayals if they keep strengthening my faith this way.
Even though my heart was shaken and I was humbled by humiliation.
I have to praise Him for this very thing is bringing about transformation.
On this earth one thing is always certain and that is change.
My God equips me for it and I can always depend on Him to be the same.

Inspiration: James 1:2-4

Note to Self

Lessons learned are easy to forget.
So, I'm writing these down for the record.
Let this URL be like pen to paper.
Set in stone for remembrance forever.
Love that isn't ordained can take you out.
An added tragedy would be to lose sight of what you've figured out.
Be assured He is showing you the truth and offers wisdom and grace.
If you make the choice to do it your way, it's unwise to hope for the best.
The consequences will take you to uncharted depths.
You'll see that the words of a viper are just vapors and its beauty is fleeting.
Don't give too much glory to history.
Don't spend too much time trying to justify and explain those nagging feelings.
Hoping for silver linings and over thinking.
Take note of the times you tried to burn it down and walk away.
Then throw up white flags of surrender to save the day.
Playing both sides is deceitful and brings a world of confusion.
Of this you know God is not the author and this is not a union.
When your love becomes a war for an evil cause, retreat.
No shame in living to love another day if it's His way.
First instincts are everything.
They set the tone from beginning to end.
Open your eyes to their revelations.
Listen to them whisper.
Wait for logic to win you over.
Even the Bible said your heart can't be trusted.
Believe it.
You feel what you feel and you know what you know.
Time will tell and true colors eventually show.
If it were food poisoning you'd call it toxic.
When you see it in your loved one, it's no different.
Easy isn't promised and you shouldn't expect it.
Remember, no part of the Word says love is destructive.
If you choose this you'll end up trying to sift your way through the murky aftermath.
You're never trapped and until your last breath there is always another chance.
Refuse to submit to someone who loves their own way more than the Gospel.
Beware of another who sees that you love God and suddenly changes to seem like your equal.
Perfection is an impossibility but good intent won't hide from accountability.
Misfortune doesn't just happen to me if I played my part consciously.
When you wonder what you could have ever done for this to be justified; consider.
If you stopped waiting on God, were driven by pride, frustration and fear.
When you were too afraid to trust His plan and took things into your own hands, defeat drew near.
God will always call you back, and if you surrender, you're free.
He called you to be like Him.
Hardships, joy and love can exist simultaneously.
Yet this love shouldn't stunt your growth not even momentarily.
It shouldn't cost your soul and draw you out of the light.
Don't stay too long if you find yourself in this vicinity.
Your enemy comes to destroy you and he'll find you in the open easily.
To execute his ambitions he will use your foolish detour to turn you around.
He knows your weaknesses better than you; uses them to take you down.
So this is no time to let on that you don't feel strong.
Pull yourself up and get him under your feet.
Pray ceaselessly every day, even about the little things.
Don't fear; there's no need to run if you walk by faith.
God is for you, so who could successfully get in your way?
You've come too far and this isn't child's play.
No going back, and if you must stand alone for the victory it's part of the plan.
Put on the whole armor of God and trust in the Great I Am.

Inspiration:
1 John 1:5-6
Ephesians 6:11

Solitaire

So many prayers and fantasies.
So little time before it started crashing.
The honeymoon called for care urgently.
Soon after the tide changed like night to day.
Thought I was prepared;
I heard about the hard work.
Yet no one told me how much it would hurt.
I kept on dreaming and planning.
Found a new purpose for praying.
The bubbles bursting always shocking.
Every other twist brought another turn.
White lies told stories of two faces.
To make sense of it I told myself we all make mistakes.
Truly, they were just selfish choices weaved into never ending mazes.
I came to know nothing was certain and my hope was no more.
Confusion came standard like the norm.
Conflicted because I'm giving in while resisting.
My heart bleeding as my love starts failing.
His justifications only assured me of my disillusioning.
Conditions were worsening.
How amazing that we embarked on this journey together.
Now we leave it alone for the better.
For all the hoping and dreaming.
I could have just stopped and known.
What was right there in front of me.
Was just what it hinted at being.
Still, I ignored intuition.
The benefit of the doubt brought fears into fruition.
Closed my eyes to the truth of God's revelation.
So I could have a life of my own choosing.
Now my heart is wrapped up in endeavors of forgiving and forgetting.
Another journey in itself and it's all consuming, healing, redeeming.
Cheers to skipping the storybook ending.
It marks the beginning of my peace and joy returning.
God is doing something I can't fathom and this won't be all.
Thank the Lord for this trip and fall.

Inspiration:  Proverbs 19:2