Breathe

A new reality came suddenly, mostly resembling an apocalyptic movie.
Fear delivered swiftly and relentlessly by way of news and media saturation.
Spilling every where as it blanketed the world and seeped into every nation.
Three months and counting and the time is flying.
I always said I wanted to, but it took a pandemic to work from home, and it's working.
Without the cubicle and the commute, I'm sort of free of the ball and chain.
Commissioned with finding, remembering and redefining meaning daily.
Focusing on the spiritual, dodging the mundane.
Wondering what all of this will eventually mean.
Tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.
Is this really temporary, or will the repercussions ripple on forever?
Living in a mystery and not the kind that's entertaining.
Dreams, money, romance and plans.
With endeavors on hold, the social distancing - and even the fear - is growing old.
Starting to feel bold like I'm ready to break the mold.
Thinking, writing, and planning for the tentative; there's potential to achieve the incredible.
Once again, here I am, eyes watching God as He turns the impossible into the inevitable.

Biblical inspiration:  Luke 8:14

Real Eyes, Realize, Real Lies

Attractive distractions have been the single greatest hindrance to my productivity, peace and spiritual growth.  Knowing what I know now, if I had a do-over I would have hastily returned them to sender. In my countless confrontations with detours and delays, one thing I am learning to trust is that He is still in control and His plan - perfect and unchanging - remains my best and highest calling.  It is the blueprint for the abundant life He promises.  

So while I fumble and stumble about in a life that is currently far from abundant, leaving much to be desired, I have the freedom to choose.  At any time I can stop, look up and yield to Him, taking the very first step on the path less traveled and He promises to walk with me every step of the way.  The prospect of which should be far more alluring than the instant gratification that comes and goes with fulfilling my short-sighted needs and unholy goals. 

It's no coincidence that the distractions I fell victim to came custom made, appealing to every deep and shallow desire I could harbor. At first glance, they appeared 'all good.'  A second and third glance would have been more revealing, but the initial impression caught my attention and it became easy to hang on to the fantasy; it was polished, smelled delicious, sounded like heaven, wrapped like God's gift, melted in my mouth, boasted status, came with recognition, promised 'now' versus 'later', shined like gold, and felt like it would never get old.  

In retrospect, my peripheral vision picked up, but couldn't quite make out the finely printed disclaimer: "This prize that has attracted your eyes will temporarily feed your ego, mask insecurities and create the illusion of happiness and satisfaction.  Side effects and reactions may include dreams deferred, blessings deterred, oppression, depression, faith shaking, excuse making, disillusionment, delusions of grandeur, broken hearts, years of healing, compromise, and your possible demise."  Instead of looking closer, it was easier to hope for the best.  A false positive.

The Word takes much of the mystery out of it, if you let it.  It assures us that just as we encounter false apostles, deceitful workers, and people in disguise, we can be certain that even Satan masquerades as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:13-14). We have an enemy and he is prowling around like a lion. So, if you think life is happening at lightning speed, or you're being pressed for a quick decision, and it feels like you don't have the time to present it to God and ask for wisdom and direction, that's your cue to make the time. 

God gave us free will and we weren't created to be slaves, not to alcohol, drugs, employers, spouses, emotions, hopeless romance, and certainly not to the stories of our past. We are free to choose.  I want to use those chances to choose wisely.  I've learned the consequences (and blessings) are far reaching.

Every friendship, relationship, pastime and opportunity will have an effect on you or someone else, even if unbeknownst to you.  It wasn't always second nature, but now I can consciously ask myself a few questions which personally help me make decisions I can feel at peace about: Is it encouraging me to please God, or to grieve Him?  Is it desensitizing or numbing me to something I know or feel is wrong?  Is it forcing my adoption of values and ideals that are not mine (and certainly not God's)?  Will it place me in an environment where the mention of Jesus Christ, salvation, faith and prayer is taboo or opposed or outright rejected?  Is it building me up, or depleting me?  Whatever the life story is that I choose to write, it will start and end somewhere.  How it starts usually sets the tone.

I need God to be the beginning and the end. If you drive a car or travel anywhere at all, you can attest to the necessity of knowing where you are going, or at the very least, having a sense of direction.  Recognize your enemy and plan for victory.  The road map will always be in His Word.

Biblical inspiration:  1 Peter 5:8

That's Herstory and She's Sticking With It

God is good, all the time, even when we don't understand or recognize His plan.  So, we as believers are clinging desperately to the promises of His goodness despite the daunting nature of current uncertainties.  Normal life and prospects are changing drastically with each passing day.  We are at a crossroads, just before an uphill journey, and I believe it is more important now than any time before, to remain watchful but sober-minded, to pray and not worry.

Life is being altered in ways that are inducing fear and insecurity, sometimes purposely and strategically, other times out of ignorance and blissful blindness.  If you know like I do that God did not give us a spirit of fear, there should be no doubt where it does comes from.  As of this posting, I am not writing about the figurative nor speaking in general.  This is not my regularly scheduled blogram.  We are at the dawn of a new normal, and I don't know one person who hasn't been affected.

Physically, the world is fighting against an invisible and previously unknown enemy of zoonotic origin, a disease known as COVID-19 that is indiscriminately spread by a new betacoronavirus, SARS-CoV-2 and within a few months it has reached pandemic proportions.  The CDC and the world alike seem to be learning about this viral predator as we go, so in the meantime I am using the wisdom and common sense that God gave me.

The world has seen and survived pandemics before, but none which changed our way of life so thoroughly and drastically, in such a short amount of time as this one.  It is to this phenomenon that I believe many of us will need to fervently apply prayer, wisdom and action in order to acclimate successfully.  While we are defending and protecting our health and livelihood, it is also important to remember Ephesians 6:12-13 if we are to fit ourselves in a complete armor.

Just weeks ago we could have never imagined the reality of life as it is now, outside of an apocalyptic movie plot.  The year 2020 has truly shown up, and it has proven to be a show-stopper, literally.  Companies like the one I am employed for, which have traditionally been staunchly against full-time remote work have sent us home indefinitely, to work remotely.  Other companies have sent non-remote workers home with pay, and some without.  Thousands of workers nationwide have simply been laid-off.   The indefinite closing of church doors, businesses, restaurants, and the cancelling of college graduations, sports seasons, concerts, conferences, and even funerals has made us recognize the unprecedented and serious nature of what we're up against.

Times like now, when I am spending so much time working alone at home, social distancing, working out alone, watching church online alone, and trying to spend my down time reading the Word and entertaining myself (again, alone), I can understand with clarity why the Word places so much weight on loving yourself and your neighbor in Mark 12:31.  It says there is no commandment greater than these, and yet our new stations have caused many of us to realize how we have neglected to be obedient in this way.  If we couldn't before, we are forced now to be still, to spend quality time alone with ourselves, our closest family, friends, loved ones and neighbors.  Yet, it is without the usual vices and venues we so commonly use to distract and amuse ourselves.

Our privilege and frivolity is being challenged, and many of us are forced to count our blessings - even if only on one hand.  The Word reminds me in James 1:2-4 that I have a choice, to consider trials of many sorts a pure joy, so that ultimately I won't lack anything.  This is not happiness being described, but heavenly joy, as a result of the peace offered as only He can give it.

The holidays, Christmas, New Year's resolutions and my birthday celebrations are still so recent that I can smile upon their memories as if they were just yesterday. Spring arrived only days ago and this is just the beginning.  New beginnings can be revolutionary, blessings in disguise, but when they are unanticipated they can also be upending and disorienting, even destructive.  In its aftermath we will need to replenish, rebuild and reinforce.  Such is life and this too shall pass, but we will always need an anchor to avoid being driven by the winds and tossed by the sea, and for me it will be Him.  He is, has always been and He will always be.

Biblical inspiration:  James 1:6-7 and Psalm 46:10

Yesterday, Today and Forever

Bracing myself as I stare down the barrel of the year 2020 and my life is flashing before me.  I see the gifts of the present and the promise of eternity.  I won't make-believe that my past hasn't shaped me.  I would be a fool to sink or swim without acknowledging the tides, waves and rippling.  Ignorant bliss is fleeting.  If no one else gets it and if another soul never comprehends the fullness of it, I at least have to be at peace with it.

In my teenage years there was a slow but steady awakening and awareness of my power and my weaknesses. They propelled me through more than two decades of living, learning, winning, losing, loathing, loving and holding on for dear life; with my closest family and friends, my worst enemies, a therapist, countless phone calls and fervent prayers.  Unearthing the truth can be reinforcing, painful, redeeming, life-changing and fruit-bearing.  These pursuits have covered me in miraculous love, blessed me with a measure of understanding, a helping of acceptance and a journey into forgiveness.

I have no need for closure because this is a journey and it's going somewhere.  I stay the course for accountability in the spirit of clarity, through a lens that offers wisdom when I dare to keep looking.  I am certain there will always be visible scarring, yet the wounds are healed and healing.

There's something awe inspiring to look back with supernatural 20/20 and recall the tragedies, silver linings, lessons, pitfalls, failures, and successes from the vantage point of survival and maturity.  The darkest valleys shed the most light on the Good News.  I see the footprints of God there.  I press ahead because I'm promised a future.  He was always with me and He led me here, preparing me for another testimony.  On to the next chapter of my never-ending story.

Inspiration:  Jeremiah 29:11

Gratitude with Attitude

Authentic gratitude and worship sustain me each day.
Yet I still have this attitude that can shade just about anything.
Not a pessimist because I'm too hopeful and I love a redemption story.
Call me a realist because "it is what it is" makes sense to me without explaining.
Never saw necessity in closure since it can't bring what it is to a new unveiling.
I am grateful for the truth; in its telling I can respect the messenger.
Discerning of deception and abrasive to its storytellers.
Truth puts the past behind us while lies sprout roots intertwining forever.
What I know of the dark is the stark difference between it and the light.
Without warfare I may not appreciate the morning that follows the dark night.
I have made good use of the hurt, tears and heartache.
If it were any other way I may not look so expectantly to His grace today.
I welcome life's betrayals if they keep strengthening my faith this way.
Even though my heart was shaken and I was humbled by humiliation.
I have to praise Him for this very thing is bringing about transformation.
On this earth one thing is always certain and that is change.
My God equips me for it and I can always depend on Him to be the same.

Inspiration: James 1:2-4

Note to Self

Lessons learned are easy to forget.
So, I'm writing these down for the record.
Let this URL be like pen to paper.
Set in stone for remembrance forever.
Love that isn't ordained can take you out.
An added tragedy would be to lose sight of what you've figured out.
Be assured He is showing you the truth and offers wisdom and grace.
If you make the choice to do it your way, it's unwise to hope for the best.
The consequences will take you to uncharted depths.
You'll see that the words of a viper are just vapors and its beauty is fleeting.
Don't give too much glory to history.
Don't spend too much time trying to justify and explain those nagging feelings.
Hoping for silver linings and over thinking.
Take note of the times you tried to burn it down and walk away.
Then throw up white flags of surrender to save the day.
Playing both sides is deceitful and brings a world of confusion.
Of this you know God is not the author and this is not a union.
When your love becomes a war for an evil cause, retreat.
No shame in living to love another day if it's His way.
First instincts are everything.
They set the tone from beginning to end.
Open your eyes to their revelations.
Listen to them whisper.
Wait for logic to win you over.
Even the Bible said your heart can't be trusted.
Believe it.
You feel what you feel and you know what you know.
Time will tell and true colors eventually show.
If it were food poisoning you'd call it toxic.
When you see it in your loved one, it's no different.
Easy isn't promised and you shouldn't expect it.
Remember, no part of the Word says love is destructive.
If you choose this you'll end up trying to sift your way through the murky aftermath.
You're never trapped and until your last breath there is always another chance.
Refuse to submit to someone who loves their own way more than the Gospel.
Beware of another who sees that you love God and suddenly changes to seem like your equal.
Perfection is an impossibility but good intent won't hide from accountability.
Misfortune doesn't just happen to me if I played my part consciously.
When you wonder what you could have ever done for this to be justified; consider.
If you stopped waiting on God, were driven by pride, frustration and fear.
When you were too afraid to trust His plan and took things into your own hands, defeat drew near.
God will always call you back, and if you surrender, you're free.
He called you to be like Him.
Hardships, joy and love can exist simultaneously.
Yet this love shouldn't stunt your growth not even momentarily.
It shouldn't cost your soul and draw you out of the light.
Don't stay too long if you find yourself in this vicinity.
Your enemy comes to destroy you and he'll find you in the open easily.
To execute his ambitions he will use your foolish detour to turn you around.
He knows your weaknesses better than you; uses them to take you down.
So this is no time to let on that you don't feel strong.
Pull yourself up and get him under your feet.
Pray ceaselessly every day, even about the little things.
Don't fear; there's no need to run if you walk by faith.
God is for you, so who could successfully get in your way?
You've come too far and this isn't child's play.
No going back, and if you must stand alone for the victory it's part of the plan.
Put on the whole armor of God and trust in the Great I Am.

Inspiration:
1 John 1:5-6
Ephesians 6:11

Solitaire

So many prayers and fantasies.
So little time before it started crashing.
The honeymoon called for care urgently.
Soon after the tide changed like night to day.
Thought I was prepared;
I heard about the hard work.
Yet no one told me how much it would hurt.
I kept on dreaming and planning.
Found a new purpose for praying.
The bubbles bursting always shocking.
Every other twist brought another turn.
White lies told stories of two faces.
To make sense of it I told myself we all make mistakes.
Truly, they were just selfish choices weaved into never ending mazes.
I came to know nothing was certain and my hope was no more.
Confusion came standard like the norm.
Conflicted because I'm giving in while resisting.
My heart bleeding as my love starts failing.
His justifications only assured me of my disillusioning.
Conditions were worsening.
How amazing that we embarked on this journey together.
Now we leave it alone for the better.
For all the hoping and dreaming.
I could have just stopped and known.
What was right there in front of me.
Was just what it hinted at being.
Still, I ignored intuition.
The benefit of the doubt brought fears into fruition.
Closed my eyes to the truth of God's revelation.
So I could have a life of my own choosing.
Now my heart is wrapped up in endeavors of forgiving and forgetting.
Another journey in itself and it's all consuming, healing, redeeming.
Cheers to skipping the storybook ending.
It marks the beginning of my peace and joy returning.
God is doing something I can't fathom and this won't be all.
Thank the Lord for this trip and fall.

Inspiration:  Proverbs 19:2